Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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