I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
