i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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