You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Randomize
