dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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