So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
