this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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