just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
