i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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