I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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