Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
