One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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