if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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