it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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