Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
