her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
