I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
