i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
