4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
