i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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