yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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