Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
