You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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