dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
