Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
