This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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