so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
