Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
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