You work out of a Hotel?
The best revenge is premature balding
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
You are the jesus of drinking
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
