all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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