i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Randomize
