i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
