a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
