Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
