I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
