A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Who died my cat blue again?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
