Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
