SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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