So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Randomize
