Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
