Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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