when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
