When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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