I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
