I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
