I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
