Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
My breasts were aching with rage.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
