So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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