He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
