so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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