new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
