Just fell off a train. Bad.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
