these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
